October 2022:

22/10/2022 (12:19am):

And, I think one of my friends has stolen one of my other friends... Like they like each other better than they like me. Wow, I really am becoming recluse without trying. I hate that. Considering creating a clock similar to the Doomsday Clock but based on my mental health (maybe I'll call it the Breakdown Clock or something. Perhaps that's an interesting idea. Basically I feel like the embodiment of PepeTired (the emote). Thank fuck they don't read this blog, haha - works better in my case. I can scream to the world. I feel like I'd hurt them if they knew how I feel. Like, I'm not angry at them, I'm angry at myself that i feel like I don't... fulfill needs anymore? I don't know how to put it. Whatever, it doesn't matter, I suppose. Got to stop acting like it does matter, cause the only person affected is me.

21/10/2022 (10:23pm):

I feel so in the way of my friends, like I'm somewhat unneeded by those around me. I don't really feel people care much about me, which I suppose I should've expected. It's no one's obligation to care, after all, but I can't help feel like a waste of space. Like all my interests and everything I like is overshadowed by anything else anyone likes... I don't know anymore. Everyone talks about stuff I will never grasp, all because i'm a washed up person, generally. While I write this, 2 friends who are knowledgeable in music are talking abput scales and shit, and I feel so out of place. I wish I could just contribute something to a conversation, but it always seems harder and harder to relate to people, and to talk to people. I want to seem interesting to those around me, yet it feels so difficult. I just want people to like me. I try my best to do that, but it's hard, and always will be. Why can't I just be relatable, why can't I just relate to others, why are all my interests niche??? Why? Sometimes, I wonder if it's worth it to keep up a facade. But who cares in the end, these are just whispers in the wind.

18/10/2022 (4:09pm):

Message to a friend, can never say: Let's be real, I complain way too much to people who are having a better day, I constantly flake out of doing shit on account of me being terrified if I fuck up, and I complain too much when in game. I crave attention as a person; just as a friend - but knowing that I am nature's third fucking wheel kills me to know. I don't wanna talk because I'm worried, I want to still talk to you, but I can't because you'll always be busy, and you are someone who means a whole lot to me, as an amazing friend. I can't do this shit, and I wish I could just tell you. Thank fuck you don't read this blog.


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